Letting Go of Loss Does Not Mean Letting Go of Your Loved One
Grief is a landscape no one chooses to walk—but at some point in life, most of us find ourselves there. As a grief counselor, I’ve sat across from people whose hearts were shattered by the death of someone in their lives. Others have lost a home, a dream, a sense of identity. No matter the form, loss is destabilizing and disorienting. It brings questions we never thought we’d ask—about life, justice, God, and our place in the world.
But amid the devastation, I’ve also seen something remarkable. Something that many don’t expect when they’re in the depths of sorrow: the possibility of meaning-making, of finding a new kind of purpose in life—not in spite of the pain, but in it, through it.
Validating Your Pain, While Pointing Toward Hope
If you’re reading this in the thick of grief, please hear this:
You don’t have to “be okay” right now. Grief is not a problem to be fixed—it’s a wound to be tended. Your pain is real. Your questions are valid. And your journey is uniquely yours.
But I also want you to know that you are not stuck. Even when the loss changes everything, even when the world feels shattered, you still have agency; maybe not over what happened, but over what you do next. Meaning is something we can create, step by step, in honor of what (or who) we’ve lost.
Pain vs. Suffering: Understanding the Difference
Before we talk about healing and purpose, we need to understand something vital: the difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is the natural, human response to loss. It’s the aching, the tears, the numbness. It says, “This mattered to me.”
Suffering, however, often arises from our resistance to pain. It’s the judgment we place on our grief: “I shouldn’t feel this way,” “I’ll never be okay again,” or “This is meaningless.”
Pain is involuntary. It’s the evidence of our emotional experience. Suffering, however, can be transformed—not erased, but re-framed—when we open ourselves to meaning-making.
What Is Meaning-Making?
Meaning-making is the process of trying to understand and integrate loss into the broader context of our lives. It’s not about “finding a silver lining” or justifying what happened. It’s about asking deeper questions:
What does this loss reveal about what matters most to me?
What can I carry forward from the life or the relationship I’ve lost?
What kind of person do I want to become, given what I’ve experienced?
Meaning-making allows grief to become a gateway, not just an endpoint.
How to Begin Meaning-Making
You don’t need to have it all figured out. Start with small steps:
Journal your thoughts. Ask yourself what this loss has taught you about life and love.
Talk to someone—a friend, a therapist, a support group. Meaning often emerges through conversation.
Create something—a piece of art, a garden, a tradition. Let your hands express what your heart carries.
Serve others. Helping someone else doesn’t erase your grief, but it often illuminates the path forward.
Viktor Frankl, Existentialism, and the Search for Meaning in Grief
One of the most profound voices in existential thought is Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor. In his seminal book Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl wrote about enduring the unimaginable—life in Nazi concentration camps—and the spiritual resilience that helped some survive. His core insight was this: we cannot always choose our suffering, but we can choose our response to it. Frankl observed that those who found meaning, even in horrific conditions, were more likely to maintain their will to live.
In the context of grief, Frankl’s ideas are deeply relevant. Loss can strip us of control, certainty, and identity. But even in that void, we retain the freedom to ask: What now? What can I still live for? Frankl emphasized that meaning can be found through three avenues—creative acts, experiences of love, and the attitude we take toward suffering. In grief work, these ideas offer direction. You might find meaning by creating something in honor of your loved one, by nurturing the relationships that remain, or by choosing to carry their memory forward in a way that brings compassion into the world.
Frankl’s philosophy doesn’t deny the pain of grief—it honors it. But it also offers hope: that amid sorrow, meaning can still be made, and that this meaning can become a source of strength and renewal.
Post-Traumatic Growth: More Than Just Survival
Many people have heard of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), but fewer are familiar with Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). PTG is not about bouncing back to who you were before loss. It’s about becoming someone new—someone deeper, more attuned, and perhaps even more connected to life.
Post-traumatic growth may look like:
A greater appreciation for life’s small moments
A shift in values or priorities
Increased compassion for others’ suffering
A new sense of inner strength
A desire to help others who are grieving
This growth doesn’t negate the pain; it coexists with it. It emerges slowly, often over months or years, and it’s never linear.
A Final Word
Grief will change you. But it doesn’t have to define you. And it doesn’t have to be meaningless or dwell in suffering. Over time, with support, curiosity, and compassion for yourself, it’s possible to emerge from grief not just surviving—but with a renewed sense of why you are here.
As a counselor, I can’t promise that the pain will vanish. I can honor your grief and remind you that healing is possible, not by going back to who you were—but by becoming more deeply who you are.
Letting go of loss does not mean letting go of your loved one or their memory. It means continuing forward while carrying their memory with you to increase meaning in your own life.
