The Biggest Mistakes to Avoid as a Caretaker for Someone Who is Terminally Ill:

Insights from an End-of-Life Doula

Caring for someone who is terminally ill is one of the most profound acts of love and service we can offer—but it’s also one of the hardest. As an end-of-life doula, I’ve walked alongside countless families during this sacred chapter, and I’ve witnessed both beautiful moments of connection and painful missteps rooted in fear, denial, or misunderstanding.

Here are the most important mistakes to avoid when supporting someone at the end of life—and what to do instead.

1. Clinging to Unrealistic Expectations

It’s natural to hope. Hope can be a balm. But when it becomes denial, it can isolate the dying person and make their experience more painful. One of the most common mistakes caretakers make is trying to maintain a false sense of “normalcy” or pushing positivity in ways that can feel invalidating.

What to do instead:
Accepting that death is near does not mean giving up. It means shifting your hope toward comfort, presence, peace, and resolution. Ask: What does quality of life mean now? Support your loved one in expressing their wishes, even if those wishes involve preparing for the end. This honesty allows space for healing conversations, last goodbyes, and deeper presence.

2. Neglecting Spiritual or Emotional Needs

End-of-life care is not just medical care—it’s soul care. Whether your loved one is religious, spiritual-but-not-religious, or unsure what they believe, they are likely wrestling with deep questions: What happens after I die? Was my life meaningful? Who will remember me?

Too often, caretakers get caught up in logistics and overlook this inner world.

What to do instead:
Create space for spiritual exploration. This could mean prayer, meditation, legacy work, or simply bearing witness to someone’s story without judgment. Ask them what brings comfort or meaning. Encourage rituals that honor their beliefs. Even silence—held with compassion—can be deeply spiritual.

3. Centering Your Own Fears Over Their Needs

It’s incredibly hard to watch someone you love die. But caretaking isn’t about managing your grief in their presence—it’s about showing up for them in the way they need most. I’ve seen caregivers unintentionally push their loved one to eat, talk, or fight longer—all because they weren’t ready to let go.

What to do instead:
Pause. Ask yourself: Am I responding to their needs, or my own discomfort?

Seek your own support system (therapist, doula, support group) so you can process your emotions without projecting them onto your loved one. Your steady, loving presence—even in silence—is more powerful than trying to “fix” what cannot be fixed.

4. Avoiding Conversations About Death

Some families avoid “the D word” until the very end, hoping it will somehow delay the inevitable. But avoiding death robs everyone of the chance for meaningful closure, forgiveness, and legacy.

What to do instead:
Speak openly. Let your loved one take the lead, but don’t be afraid to say, I’m here if you want to talk about anything, even the hard stuff. These conversations don’t have to be heavy—they can be healing, humorous, or filled with love. When we name death, we allow space for grace.

5. Failing to Honor Who They Are—Not Just Who They Were

When illness strips away physical strength, memory, or independence, it’s easy to mourn who the person was. But the person dying is still fully human, fully present, and worthy of being treated with dignity.

What to do instead:
Celebrate who they are in this moment. Listen to their stories. Include them in decisions. Play their favorite music. Surround them with things they love. Ask what matters most to them now. This phase is still part of their life—it deserves the same reverence as any other.

In Closing

Being a caretaker at the end of life is an act of courage, compassion, and profound humility. You won’t do it perfectly—none of us do. But if you can meet this experience with honesty, presence, and reverence, you’ll create space for a more peaceful, meaningful goodbye—for your loved one and for yourself.

As an end-of-life doula, I can tell you this: It’s not about fixing anything. It’s about being—and honoring—the life that is, and the life that was.